How Are You Doing?

The most common question I hear these days is obvious. "How is Harper doing?" It's a tough question to answer. Why? Well, because the honest answer is long and in many ways a little discouraging. "She's getting stronger" is one of my responses. It's true. She is getting stronger. Very little each day, but she's getting there.

I have to remind myself of this fact, though. I have to think back to her time in the hospital the first round. The Harper that sat with eyes closed all day, barely acknowledging the world, using a bed pan because she was too weak, or in too much pain (or both) to get out of bed.

Today, she agreed to visit her riding lesson barn, and see Beauty, the pony she rides.



That's a big difference. And when Melissa sent me that picture while I was at work today, I teared up a bit. She loves that pony.

So, while she's come a long way, she has a long way to go to be herself.

The second most common question I get (also a bit obvious) is "How are you doing?" or the alternative version of "How are you and Melissa doing?" or holding up, or some variant.
Wow, that one is even harder to answer candidly and honestly. I usually say "ok" or "hanging in there" or the occasional "fine."

Truth is, I'm afraid to truly ask myself and honestly answer that question. I really don't know, and I likely won't for awhile. Our worlds revolve around Harper, her care, and her well being. Then come Cadence and Finley. And of course, gotta eat, so gotta work. Somewhere at the back of the pack, through the dust, I can see us.

Should I be "good"? Or even "ok"? My daughter has cancer, with a not so rosy outlook. Sure, there is a high cure rate, but the odds are stacked in favor of the Stage 1 & 2 patients - not the advanced stages. Not the kind Harper has.

My world continues to spin. I focus outside for periods, lucid periods, mind you, when I can function almost imperceptibly different from before. But, inevitably, I'm back in the twister, with "normal" torn apart around me.

Wish it were a dream. It's not. Wish I would wake up. I won't.

Have I given up? No. Am I downtrodden? More than a bit.

So, next time you ask, and I say "getting there" or some other less than honest answer, know that I'm asking myself the same question, and not getting a straight answer either.

How am I doing? Wish I knew.