Not Yet

Today, in the midst of our healing marathon with Harper, I took time out to attend the funeral of my (step) grandfather.

Bill "Cap" Flick was truly one of the kindest men I ever had the occasion to meet. He married my grandmother 8 years ago, just months before Harper was born. They were the cutest couple, her in her 70s and him in his 80s, both widowers, and quite obviously in love.

He entered my life just as Harper did. And now, he has exited. He had a long full life, living just 1 day shy of his 92nd birthday. But, as is happening to more and more of us, as we live longer and longer lives, dementia/Alzheimer's claimed him.

A disease of unexplainable origin claimed Cap from us. And another threatens Harper.

I fought, today, to keep my emotions in check at the funeral service and burial. But as I drove back home, to Louisville, I couldn't keep the ideas of a funeral and Harper separated.

Cap was a kind man, who loved life, loved to laugh, and was beloved by so many. You could substitute Harper's name in that sentence and it would be no less true.

I know that I cannot change what will come to be in the coming months and years. God's Will will be done with Harper, and she is in his hands through this battle. But I can't help but raise a defiant voice, even if its just in my mind as I pray, to say "Not Yet."

It's not time yet. Harper has not had the opportunity to live a long, happy life; to love another as a companion and soul mate; to travel, or stay home (whichever she chooses); to find and develop her passion (be it horses (likely) or something else); to grow old.

Harper is doing so well with her treatment. She has shown incredible strength. The tumor pathology showed almost complete positive reaction to the chemo. Her amazingly quick surgical recovery has strengthened our hope for a complete victory.

But the nagging comparison between Cap and Harper remains in my mind, and pushes thoughts and visions of a funeral for Harper into my mind, against my will. I have to push them back out and say Not Yet.

We each will pass from this earth when it is our time; when God calls us home. We each will deal with the pain, many times over, of losing a close loved one. Some will be sooner than expected or wished. But for Harper, Not Yet.

There are times, when pity sneaks in, and I question my resolve, and my belief in certain recovery - more often then I care to admit. But deep down, past the fear, the doubt, the uncertainty, the worry and the pain, I hear clearly - Not Yet. And that statement drives me forward.

I truly believe it is not Harper's time. I believe God has more in store for this precious little girl.

There will be a day when Harper is laid to rest. There will be a time when loved ones will mourn in her passing, and celebrate her finished life. There will be a time when God calls her home, as he will with us all.

But Dear Lord, just Not Yet.