There Are No Words

I have come to realize that the English language is sometimes wholly inadequate when it comes to expressing the deepest emotions.  There simply are no words to invoke that can truly convey the greatest joy or darkest pain.

Today is a day where appropriate words are needed and none can be found.  Today is a day I wish to express hurt and anguish and torture and yet I am unable.  Today is a dark day.  The darkest of days.

Lydia is gone.

I am trying desperately to see good, to see positive, to see light.  She is no longer in pain.  She no longer has to bear a burden too big for her shoulders - a burden she bore with grace and cheer - a burden no child should have to take on.

But I am blind - blinded by pain.  Tears fall.  My heart breaks.  My soul is crushed.

The world is darker now than any time I can recall.

As harsh as all of these words are to describe what has occurred and what it has done to me, they are not acceptable.  They do not even begin to touch the depth of the emotions.

And in this darkest hour, for I refuse to acknowledge or entertain a darker one, I reject the similarities between the journeys of Lydia and Harper. I must push down the pain, the hurt, the howling heart, wipe my face, and carry on.  For in this crushed state I cannot allow this pain to spread to my girls.  I must be strong to shield them from this truth.  Yes, they will come to know it.  Yes, it will harm them too.  But not today.

Today I will cover it, and proceed with optimism, to preserve their tender hearts a little longer. Today I will hold back the tears and fight the urge to assume the fetal position and weep.  For them, I will not relent to share this news until I am strong enough to hold them up when they fall under the crushing weight.  For Harper it will not be until SHE is strong enough, and that may be quite a long time. Harper must maintain her fighting spirit, and we must not allow an attack upon her strength.

And so, after a momentary breakdown, overlapping the drafting of these insufficient words, I go on.

Lydia - you are loved, and your absence will be felt, for me, forever.  There are no words.