At times of quiet, my mind wanders. It wanders places I wish it would not. It wanders to memories - visual remembrances I wish I could avoid - I wish I could escape.
Harper, lying motionless in a hospital bed. The click and clack, whooshing of a ventilator. A nurse nearby. Melissa asleep in a chair. A rustle - motion. I get up. I rush 4 feet to her side. I grab her hand, which was reaching for the tube placed firmly in her mouth and down her throat into her lungs. Her eyes open, briefly. I tell her I'm here. I tell her she'll be ok. Calm down. Everything's ok. Hold my hand.
My mind wanders.
Doctors and nurses around. 12 people in her ICU room. We don't know if it will work. Do you want us to try? I look at Melissa. We silently communicate. I nod yes. I verbalize, with ignorant tears in my eyes, "do it." We gather ourselves. We kiss her. We say we'll be right back. We leave the room, not knowing we will never to be in her living presence again.
My mind wanders.
We are in the "meditation room." The nurse comes in. "They are doing CPR." We collapse. We cry. Friends arrive. We pray.
My mind wanders.
I close my eyes and walk into the room. 12 people, or more, surround her bed. A flurry of motion. Up and down. Chest compressions. CPR being administered. Pain. Pressure. I can't watch. I grab Harper's nurse. I have to leave. I run.
My mind wanders.
My lips, against her cool forehead. Her eyes closed. Her nose, packed with gauze. She is already gone, though she lingers, holding me.
My mind wanders.
I sit, typing. Tears wet my cheek. I pause. I search for the words. They escape me.
And my mind wanders.
You all did the best you could for her and still are.
ReplyDeleteJust absolutely heartbrwaking. I continue to pray for you, Melissa, Cadence and Finley. May God surround you with his love and give you strength as you endure this unimaginable saddness. Harper will forever live in our HEARTS.
ReplyDeleteI can not begin to imagine the pain that your family is enduring. My heart breaks for you. I am praying for peace and comfort for your family and prayers that when your mind wanders that it will wander to the good and happy times that you all shared. Thank you for sharing your journey. It has helped remind me to try to always choose joy.
ReplyDeleteI can not even begin to know what yous are going thru . But prayers are there praying that it gets easier on you and your family. You will always think and have a wondering mind but I pray that the good memories wander in and the pain fear and heartache wander out that is is my prayer for you
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