A Few Thoughts On TSA Pat-Downs & Those Vocal About Them

For all those out there concerned about your "junk" and the TSA's sudden interest in said "junk," I have a few unsolicited thoughts.

First, the physical, digital (meaning with hands and fingers, not referring to data with 1s and 0s) inspection of your nether region is a choice you actively choose to make, completely independent of any  outside force. You are free to choose to be inspected by the new scanners, if selected for such review (most airports, if not all, have too few scanners to screen all travelers with this method, even if they were permitted to), or you may choose a pat-down. The choice is pretty much yours.

Second, despite what your crazy fantasies have shown you, the TSA TSOs are no more thrilled with feeling your jewels than you are. Despite your suspicions otherwise, the inspections of the land between your legs likely wasn't in the job description they saw when they were hired, and like a gynecologist, after the first few peeks under the gown, it's a job... and in some cases, one most of us really wouldn't want.

Finally, yes, as you are so loudly shouting, the x-ray or pat review of your package is likely not terribly effective, and we should be more closely examining the packages in the cargo hold as well as the one in your jeans. The bad guys who wish to do us harm are always two steps ahead, and know our security better than we do. They're already thinking up new, and creative ways to attack us that we would likely never detect, even with our most advanced technology (which I already admitted is not even yet fully deployed).  Still, it's my humble opinion that a moment of anonymous ogling (by someone who is already, just a few days in, sick of looking at "naked" fat Americans) or, if you choose the hard way, a healthy clothed inspection of Jim and the twins, in the grand scheme of things is better than being sucked through a newly blown hole in the side of a jet. 

Mostly, my message is, get over yourself. If you don't like it, tell your Congressman, and vote accordingly. Until then, realize it's unlikely you have anything memorable to view on x-ray or feel through your chinos, so stand there, smile, and move onto your gate. The sooner you get on your way, the sooner the 350lb 4'10" man behind you (who will likely be your seat-mate during your flight) can get his thrill for the day, and the TSO involved can write his resignation letter.