The waiting

The waiting is the best and the worst part at the same time.
After all that has happened over the past few days, times of quiet, between vital checks, med administration, blood draws and the painful trips to the potty have a wonderful, restful quality. When she's not in pain (meds are in full force), she rests quietly. Melissa and I get to watch her sleep.

Watching her sleep is something I'd forgotten can be so fulfilling. Not since she was pretty small have I really just sat, doing nothing else, and just watch her rest and dream. It's beautiful. She is so precious, and I'm afraid "life" has distracted me, and I'd forgotten how wonderful and miraculous she is. Sad this situation is what it took for me to realize and remember.

But the waiting has a dark side. The counter-balance (right now) is the wondering and fearing the diagnosis (and by extension, the prognosis). At this moment, there is so much we don't know. Something as simple as when we can go home. (Which she begs for almost everyday). Or, what drugs will they use (as I know I'll quickly catch up on my oncology drugs as soon as we know her treatment path).

So, we sit, bathed in wonder and fear at the same time. Honestly, until this thing is named and we are clearly on the road to cure, I doubt it will change much.

Our new norm, for now...