The Picture In My Head

A couple of years ago, my company switched from Lotus Notes to Microsoft Outlook. One of the things that came along with that was the availability if little "pictures" of people that come up when you're looking at an email or message from them.

Some people love it, and adopted it early. They put their pictures out there for all the world to see. Some people put out their pics, but used ones from so far away that you can't really tell what they look like. Others use logos of their favorite sports teams, or families, or pets. Still others are still fighting the trend, and refusing to put a picture of themselves out there.

It is helpful to me to see people's faces. We work so much more virtually now, it really is nice to put a face with a name.

What I've realized is that the Outlook pictures are really just an extension of something that (I think) is normal that we humans do all the time. We have a little picture of people we deal with, are related to, or think about filed away in our brains. When topics or thoughts turn to involve certain people, a little picture pops up in your mind. Maybe a fun time you had with them before - maybe a not fun time when you've argued or something tragic happened. But a picture. Probably you don't even realize its happening - it's just how your mind works.

I realized today that these pictures in your mental filing cabinet get updated. Kids grow up. Your parents age. No one stays the same - nor do relationship statuses, which also impact these pictures. I don't know how or why they get updated, but I now know they do.

I've realized all this because it hit me that the mental picture I have for Harper has changed. Not sure when it changed.

When I think about Harper now, I see a mostly bald little quiet girl. Shes sitting on the couch, picking at her fingers. I think the previous picture was of a slightly crazy-haired little girl who was verging on ADD, bouncing around, or losing it (it happens) when something didn't go right. NOT the child we have today.

Now that I type it out, it doesn't seem so dramatic, but it hit me hard that my little girl has changed, and so has my perception of her. I'm fearful of this. It makes me uncomfortable. Am I simply recognizing the change in reality? Or am I in some way "giving up" on her ever returning to the child she once was? Am I, in some small way, giving the cancer some ground, letting it into my mind in this way? What if she doesn't beat it? Will this be the picture I remember?

Or is it just part of is crazy journey we're on? Harper is growing and maturing every day - partly from normal "growing up" and partly this life-detour. Regardless of what I want, Harper will never been the same child - she will be changed forever.

If we have our way, we'll get off this detour and back on the main road. She will beat this, and be back to a "normal" little girl - as normal as she ever was. But I know, for sure, that she will not emerge unscathed. She will be forever changed by this experience. She will never be able to go back - only forward, carrying this life experience. Hopefully, carrying the strength gained through this trauma.

And when she is done with chemo, and her hair is growing back out, and she goes back to school, and this all becomes a memory - I look forward to updating the picture in my head.